Equivalence
by Specificitydarling
Summary: Bella has some questions. And she's looking for some answers. Takes place in Breaking Dawn before the wedding. Bella/Jasper friendship. Alisper and Edward/Bella.


This is my first Twilight fic, and I'm actually a little surprised at how it turned. It's just a little moment that takes place in Breaking Dawn before the wedding. I hope you like it.

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I found him at the edge of the forest, just sitting there, knees close to his chest, not blinking. I wondered whether he was thirsty, if he had hunted yet. Or if that's what I was interrupting. He looked so peaceful, so still. Like a statue. Like he wasn't real. Like he wasn't alive.

Well, that was relative.

I stared at him for a while. He, like the others is so fantastically beautiful. Not just his appearance, but his calm, his stillness. I suppose he's had enough time to practice. I wondered what he was thinking, whether it had anything to do with me. Or if he even knew I was there. I decided to do what I came for, no matter how unsettling it would be. And I didn't have to have Alice's to know that this would be a terrible conversation. For both of us.

I take a step forward, a small tentative step. But without looking where I am going I step on a dry twig – the snap echoed amongst the leafy trees and I winced. Not exactly how I wanted to make my entrance. He doesn't even flinch and I kick myself for being so stupid. Of course he knew I was there, not only were his senses heightened, he could smell me. Vampires 101. I ran my fingers through my hair and took a few steps forward, until I was right next to him. He waited for me I could tell.

"Jasper." I say his name hesitantly. And waited.

His honey-blonde head turned to me lazily as if he had just awakened from a dream. His expression, whatever it was originally, fell. Not in disappointment, but in fear. He didn't even bother getting back, but automatically jumped back a few feet. As if he was repulsed by me, as if he was scared. But I was not. I must have surprised him by being too close. I stared him straight in the eyes which were half black. Slowly, in waves, I understood. He was scared, he was terrified.

Of himself.

I was still human.

A while passed before either of us said anything else. For the first bit, I noticed Jasper's chest freeze in extra precaution. He seemed to relax a little after that, his shoulder's dropped, and his face softened.

"Bella." His voice was very quiet and it nearly slipped past me. It occurred to me that I had hardly ever heard him talk. Really talk, without anger or defensiveness. I wonder how he talks to Alice? I remember first meeting them, thinking that Alice looked so innocent, so pixie-like. Why was she with someone who looked so scared, so in pain? Slowly, over time I understood his internal battle a bit more, and who he was fighting it for. But I wanted to know more, I wanted to know how it felt, the need to bite into someone's neck. I wanted to know exactly what I need to bottle down deep inside me.

"I was hoping to talk to you. Would that be okay?" I motioned that I was going to sit down where I was. He could choose what distance to keep me at. My heart pounded a little more, but not because I was afraid of him, Jasper wouldn't attack me, I'm no ordinary human anymore. His love for his family, for Alice is so much deeper than any craving. But because I was nervous about what I would hear.

He nodded, slowly at first, then faster before taking 2 steps towards me and sitting down on the ground. He pulled his knees to his chest, just the way I found them.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked, before swallowing. I wasn't sure if it was a reflex to appear more human, or if he was swallowing down the venom building in his mouth.

My fingers played with my hair, and I look out into the forest. "Hunting."

His eyes widened. "I don't..." his voice shook slightly.

I interrupted him, I came for something and this family should know best; I don't give up when I want something. "Jasper. I don't care what Edward thinks. You're not going to do anything and I deserve to know what's going to happen to me." I looked at him strongly, and he knew that I would not back down.

He sighed and turned away, looked out into the trees and bush, the quiet serene green beauty that had been a shelter for all of them at one point.

"What do you want to know?" he asked.

I felt I should have made a list, instead of having a million questions racing around in my brain. The bluntness of his question also surprised me a bit. To tell the truth I thought he'd put up more of a fight.

"Um, ok. What's it like?"

He chuckled, and I stared. That was the first time he had ever been so free as to laugh in front of me. "That is a very broad question, Bella." Although I had the feeling he knew what I was referring to.

I opened my mouth, but he bet me to it. "There is no human equivalent to the feeling. There is no food you could possibly crave that strongly. A drug maybe, but I doubt it. It closes off all your other senses, you can't think, you can barely do anything. The venom pours into your mouth and the back of your throat aches; burns like someone rubbed sand paper along it. Carlisle gave me that example." He turned to me and shot me a tiny smile before continuing, "It's going to be hard. It will be the hardest thing you ever do. Although maybe it might be easier if you never get an actual taste."

I was nervous, but a sense of calm was washing over me, like I couldn't do any6thing was accept his information. I had a pretty good feeling it was his doing.

"How did you do it? Beat it?" I asked, playing with the hem of my shorts. His first answer was still mulling around my brain but I was ready for the next one.

He turned to me, one eyebrow raised as if he didn't understand my question. "You don't beat it. You avoid it, maybe. Outsmart it. Ignore it. But you never beat it. It's a part of who you are." He paused for a second, "Or who you will be. It's always there, waiting for a moment when you slip up, when your guard isn't as strong."

I heard a sharp intake of breath, then realised it was me. This was what I wanted to hear, and I knew that Edward would never give it to me.

"How did you do it?" I had always heard that Jasper had the hardest time; that he slipped up the most. After Edward, he was the Cullen that intrigued me most. The one that got me asking questions.

He made no movement, nothing to show if he was uncomfortable. He was impossibly still.

"I... I had something to focus on. Something to distract me."

Alice. I thought, of course it was Alice. I wondered if there was ever anything he did that wasn't for her.

He smiled and nodded as if he could read my mind. "Sometimes I can't believe that Carlisle did it all by himself. But then, there is little he's not capable of." His light southern accent came out a little bit and it made me curious about his life before.

"What's hunting like?" I asked suddenly, the question jumping out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about whether I knew the answer.

He looked at me, "We go into the forest," he looked around him as if to gesture to it, "Carlisle and I go most often. We look for deer, elk, never wolves though. Just in case it's a... When we find something, we jump, hold it down. And bite. –"

"Stop." It took me a while to register that this was not what I wanted to hear. He seemed to already know this and sighed heavily.

"Unless we are being reckless, we don't kill randomly. It will be someone who smells just right. Like the sweetest flower. Like -"

"I did to Edward." I say absentmindedly, not noticing that I had interrupted him again. He didn't seem to mind. He waited for me to get my thoughts together, waited for me to make some sort of sign for him to continue. When I remained silent, he took that as his cue.

"We'll wait until they are along, so as to not draw any attention. It's quick – they hardly ever get a chance to scream. A bite in the neck or leg is easiest – the blood comes out the quickest. We stay away from big cities. Ironically, hunters in forests like these are our best bet."

We sat in silence for a while, only the rustling of the forest leaves as they whispered their secrets to us. I wondered what the rest of my existence would be like, but it is something I couldn't imagine. Not even standing next to seven people that have done the same. I want it, more than anything I've ever wanted – that much I know. I want to be able to fit in with them, this family. I want to be part of them. Not only for Edward, but for myself as well.

I shuffled myself closer to him; we were less than a meter apart now. I could feel him freeze, then let go. We both knew I was safe and we were both so used to taking precautions. I crossed my legs and laid my palms flat on the earthy ground. There was so much I wanted to know, but couldn't form into questions.

"Tell me about Alice." I said.

He turned to, his gaze questioning, his eyes piercing. "You know Alice." He said, and the wind blew through his hair, sweeping it slightly. I wondered if Alice ran her fingers through it. Their relationship always amazed me. It wasn't just love – the word was not strong enough for them. Maybe that's what I came to find out.

"Tell me about your Alice." I said, looking straight at him. There was not a chance he misunderstood me.

His mouth turned into a wide smile, and his eyes lightened. He looked so different to all the other times I saw him. He looked completely calm, not still, but calm on the inside – that was what she did to him. When he started talking, it was like he forgot I was there.

"When I first met her, I thought she was some sort of angel. Of course, that wasn't possible. I couldn't understand how someone so... perfect had been searching for me, scarred, flawed, depraved. I still don't deserve her. She'll deny it, but it's true – there is so much I can't give her, for everything she's given me. Hope. Peace. A family. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her. I... there are no words for what I would do for her. For how I feel about her. The only good thing about being what I am is having her with me."

My eyes had started to water, but I blinked the tears away, because I didn't want to emphasise the difference between us. Jasper was still looking through me, as if hypnotized by the thought of his wife. I smiled, this was, miraculously, what I had come for. Maybe on some level I was scared that after everything things would change. I was certain that Edward wasn't aware of how much I felt for him – but I knew now, that it wouldn't change whatever kind of being I was.

I stood up suddenly, and Jasper followed, the gentleman that he was. Although it was more a leap towards the sky for him. He was on his feet even before me. I looked at him, his eyes had returned to normal, his lips slightly pouted. My smile turned into a grin and I walk forward to hug him. He stiffened in my arms but I held him for a second, before his arms found their way around my shoulders. I admired him so much, and I pushed that feeling so hard to him, I'm sure he could feel the force.

We both knew that after that there was no need for words, and so we stood in silence until we both heard a pair of feet coming towards us.

"Jasper." It was melodic, and I saw the smile grow on his face. We both turned to see Alice there.

"Hi, Bella." She said, making no effort to pretend she didn't know I would be here.

I smiled, "I was just going inside." Excuses weren't necessary here, they could all see through them anyway. I walked away, towards the glass door of their house. Once inside I closed the door but didn't move. They were standing how I left them, until Alice slowly took some steps towards him. I couldn't see her face, but his was calm again. And happy. You could see it in his eyes, they were so gold, you would think they were jewels. I'm not sure what I expected, but I was surprised when she finally reached him and put her head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her head. It was such a private moment, I felt like an intruder. But I couldn't look away.

A body moved to stand beside me, and I didn't have to look to know who it was. Despite being ice-cold, I always felt a warmth when he comes close. That one thing I will miss I suppose.

"Our love is different to theirs, but equally strong." He said. Looking out the glass doors just as I was.

I turned to him in surprise, "You can't read my mind." I said suspiciously.

He laughed at my narrowed eyes, "No, but I can read mine." He said, and put an arm around my shoulder.

I gazed up at him for a second, before turning my eyes back to them. They hadn't moved. Not at all. And their stillness comforted me. They gave me faith that everything would be just the way it was supposed to be.

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